Of Love and Candies
by Astonia
Summary: One way or another, Kanda had dragged his feet out of bed and somehow, shrugs, ended up standing beside ‘Santa Claus’ and giving out candies to passerbys. KANDA X ALLEN
1. Kanda the Half Elf

Disclaimer: No, I don't own any of these characters. I wish! But I do own this plot (if there really is any).

This story was written with no regards to the ongoing manga and show.

What do you know? Another one of my stupid fanfics. Yes, I know I should be working on my other stories but this was really fun to write! Haha.

PAIRINGS: Eventual Kanda x Allen. Lavi x Tyki... Reader's choice. :) Just drop a note or review!

**Kanda the Half-Elf**

Okay, so here we here on this joyous festive season with fluffy snows, snowflakes, candy canes, white frizzy hair and beard, red sloppy hat, big fat beer-belly, ridiculously red outfit that seemed a size too small, Santa... S-SANTA CLAUS! What on earth was that _thing_ doing at the Black Order!

Good heavens.

"It comes in 2 sizes, plus it's stretchable." explained Santa, feeling absurdly defensive about his elfish-sized outfit. "Now Yuu, have you been naughty or nice this year...you know I don't give presents to naughty kids."

Master Tiedoll. There was no mistake.

"MASTER, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING DRESSING UP AS SANTA CLAUS?!!" I bellowed, pointing a shaking finger at the weak excuse for a General.

Dressed up Santa Claus merely shrugged, feeling more amused than frightened by my outburst. It seemed that he has a weird fetish for such…occasions.

"With physical regards to my dress-up, I AM Santa Claus. So technically I'm not your master, but the bond between a master and an apprentice is so magically strong yet incomprehensive, even I cannot fully grasp such an emotional fixation." babbled 'Santa', stroking his fake paste-me-on! beard.

"- and since the Black order was in a grave need for some joy and laughter, I took up Komui's offer –"

"- to dress up as an old man from the North Pole. Yes, I can understand why that offer is so tempting." I quipped in sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

He shot me a wary eye. "Sorry Yuu, there's only room for 1 Santa. But you can be my helpful, fun-loving sidekick aka elf! Those impish fellows should get more recognition these days."

"..."

Somewhere a tumbleweed flew past.

"Anyways, will you look at this? It's absolutely stunning!" said 'Santa' spinning around to flaunt his silly costume. "And it's stretchable. Can you believe it? You don't get such rare items everyday!"

"It's only 10 bucks, and sold at almost every costume shop."

"No, this one here is stretchable!" defended Santa, tugging the sides of his clothes. "So we can pretend it's rare."

"..."

"What do you know?" said 'Santa'. "It's fun playing dress-up...ho hum..."

"..."

"- Ho hum...HUM HUMMMM!"

"..."

Again, another tumbleweed flew past.

"W-WHAT WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?! IT'S HOHOHOHO!!" I growled, feeling annoyed and stupid. Big Mistake. And I do mean BIG.

"Oh yes, thank you Yuu. Why, I never knew you had it in you. I think you'll make a truly good elf. HOHOHOHO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!" roared 'Santa' who started doing his own interpretation of a Christmas dance – which was a really disturbing mix of hip-hop and a Hawaiian jingle. I didn't know Christmas has a dance. But let's move on.

"Do NOT even THINK about it." I said with sharp tones. He had proceeded to hug every passer-by and was looking at me.

"Okay, if you say so…" said 'Santa', widening his eyes to the size of saucepans that I assumed was supposed to be a 'puppy' look. It looked _so_ wrong. What he did look like, however, was someone who has just received an unbearable shock.

"SANTA!!!" boomed a voice out of nowhere.

"- I've been really good this year. Do I get a present?" said an unknown, green stranger.

"And who are you?"

"I'm a Christmas Tree."

"Ah yes, I think we can all see that." said 'Santa', amused.

I was coughing. What?! He was holding 2 leafy twigs (probably plucked from some brushes) in his hands and had painted his entire body green. It was horrifying!

" - What is your name, my dear child?" continued 'Santa'.

"My name? I believe that names are unimportant in this priceless occasion that should be celebrated without a care for such petty matters. And you Santa, of all people, should know." babbled the unidentified, I'm-a-Christmas-tree fellow.

I had no bloody idea what he's talking about – probably nonsense, no less.

"Spoken like a true gentleman! Here you go! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!"

"Merry Christmas to you too, Santa!" said the unknown person (whose name was Babble because I've decided to call him so). Babble flashed a toothy grin before bouncing off, springs with each step.

"Strange...I don't recall ever seeing that guy, but what do you know? New faces everyday! Hmm, I wonder if there are enough presents to go around..." said 'Santa', poking his head into the red sack.

"It's stupid!" I said, folding my arms. "I can't believe you're wasting time on this!"

"Now, now, Yuu, don't spoil this beautiful occasion." said 'Santa' who had finished rummaging through his bundle before slumping it over his shoulders.

"Che."

"Now, how about the offer?"

"I've no idea, nor do I care, what you're talking about!"

"Why, don't you want to be my handy, dandy, happy elf?"

----------

Kanda was just your average teenager who wanted a normal, peaceful life. He was a faithful and loyal servant to God. Always on task, always doing his utmost best in missions, always competent and always…well, unlucky. Yes, UNLUCKY. His bad star was probably shining its brightest when he had General Tiedoll as his Master. Since then, the poor kid had always restrained his anger not to murder someone. He could only curse, so he did exactly just that.

"GODDAMN YOU!!" cursed Kanda, and he continued another long list of beautiful vocabularies that was never part of the English dictionary.

"- YOU CAN'T TELL ME TO DO THAT! IT'S BLOODY RIDICULOUS!"

"Well, since you're my apprentice, whom I know, doesn't understand the definitions of 'enjoyment' and 'fun'. I deem it's best for you to be part of this celebration." said Tiedoll calmly.

"I know what fun means, so don't bother lecturing me on such trivial matters." seethed Kanda whose version of 'enjoyment' includes a) training b) mediating c) all of the above.

"You can simply treat it as part of your training. You do need to socialize more, Yuu. Social skills are of extreme importance in this industry. Unless you wish to remain an anti-social introvert forever, then I shan't persist."

"I was under the impression that I was an exorcist! And not some stupid real estate agent!"

"Hmm, right you are..." said Tiedoll, stroking his beard.

"_Hello, I'm Yuu Kanda from the Yuu real estate agency, right at your service." said Kanda, smiling. "The flooring is finished with white marble from Birgets Design - lacquered and polished to the finest."_

"_- just a 2 minute walk away from the city. A beautiful sunlit view of the Medieval footbridge..." continued Kanda. He smiled, yet again. Twinkle. Twinkle._

"Good heavens!" said Tiedoll suddenly, with horror evident on his face.

"What?!"

"I'm sorry, Yuu, but I think you'll have to make a pass at being a property agent. Stick with your current job, my dear child."

----------

Now let's see what happens the following day.

One way or another, Kanda had dragged his feet out of bed and somehow (shrugs) ended up standing beside 'Santa Claus' and giving out candies to passer-bys.

You may ask what on earth happened. Well, General Tiedoll had convinced Kanda that "cursing your friends and enemies" isn't considered socializing and how "I won't bother you for next whole month!"

We all know which proposal persuaded him.

So here we have it – Kanda the Elf.

He never knew how or why his ego plunged right next to playing dress up in ugly costumes. Oops, sorry. Since Yuu Kanda isn't, actually, wearing any costumes, we can't blame those naughty outfits.

Much to his Master's disappointment, Kanda had absolutely refused to "dress up for the occasion". "It's ghastly." He had explained. "And green is not my color."

What he did, however, was removed his Black Exorcist uniform. So he was dressed casually in his usual white shirt and black pants. He had also removed his hair tie and allowed his hair to fall loosely.

He placed on the shabby green hat with a huge, shiny bell at the top edge. But that was as far as he would go. No fake elf ears, no pointy black leather shoes either. Just Kanda with his long hair framing his face and sloppy hat bought at the Wear-me-on! store.

Okay, so here we have it – Kanda the Half-Elf.

'_This is bloody insane...'_ thought Kanda. _'...I feel like killing something.'_

He broke another 2 peppermint candy canes for self-amusement, and continued sulking.

With his gruff look, dark sunken eyes and long hair. You'd be forgiven to think that a banshee was on the loose. Oh wait, banshees are of the opposite gender. Sorry Kanda! Okay, let me correct that statement - you'd be forgiven to think that this elf has been laid off.

"I feel so stupid." grumbled Kanda. "Remind me again why I'm doing this?"

"Because within you…lies an eager, festive spirit whose life and passion dreams of playing a significant role in the joyous celebration –"

"Okay, shut up. Or I'll quit."

The Master and apprentice were, currently, in the cafeteria. General Tiedoll, in his Santa Claus costume, was giving out Christmas presents to the fellow workers. Surprising though, Kanda didn't have to worry about his falling reputation and abused ego - because many others had assumed different roles in this fairy tale occasion. Some looked frightening. Others were…well, weird.

"What are you?" asked Kanda, brandishing a candy cane at the odd thing, I mean, human.

"Can't you see this?" said the fellow, pointing a fat index finger at his red clown-like nose.

"..."

"I'm Santa's key transportation. Without me, there'll be no Christmas!"

"I should probably kill you then." muttered Kanda under his breath.

"Lala...the red-nosed Lala...has a very shiny nose..." hummed the fellow, looking exasperated at the same time.

"You've got some issues..."

"I'm Rudolf!" roared the red-nosed reindeer, looking highly offended. "Rudolf! R-U-D-O-L-F! Rudolf!"

"Well, you look ridiculous." said Kanda in a matter-of-factly tone. "Get out of that or I won't give you any candy canes!"


	2. Allen wears a costume

Because I had such fun writing this fanfic I couldn't stop.

**Allen wears a costume**

Oh yes, in this modern society, everything changes. The economy thrives with new development, and progress extends its full grace in the universe. So Elves are, apparently, allowed to choose whom they wanted to give their candies to.

"I'm both edible and tasty." someone had explained, wearing a brown suit with colored buttons. Of course Yuu Kanda, who loathes Fairy Tales, was completely clueless. Then again, he has never even touched a Fairy Tale book!

He didn't like playing those 'Guess what I am' games, either. So he had a plan - a plan to get rid of those funny looking people in their silly costumes. The solution was easy.

Kanda the Half-Elf had a strict rule. "If you look stupid, I'm not giving you any candies!" That ruled out 99.99 of the population. The 0.01 referred to Kanda, of course.

People came and went with the same statement stated oh-so-blatantly in their faces.

Boy, was Kanda pleased with himself.

--

A few feet away, the elf's archrival, Allen Walker, was putting the last minute touches to his costume.

"I look ridiculous!" grumbled Allen. 'I can't believe I actually let you talk me into this!' He looked at his costume and sighed.

"Oh for goodness sake, Allen, it's not all that bad!" Lenalee beamed, clearly proud of her creation and, um, dolling up Allen Walker.

"Ha! I agree with you, Lenalee! Kanda will be all over you when he sees you in this!" said Lavi, grinning.

"W-WHAT?!"

"LAVI!" hissed Allen's personal attendant.

"Haha. Sorry."

"I have a really bad feeling about this." groaned Allen as he smacked a palm of his face.

"ALLEN WALKER!" roared one very scary looking Lenalee. "GET YOUR HAND OFF YOUR FACE RIGHT THIS INSTANT! I SPEND 2 HOURS PUTTING ON THAT MAKEUP FOR YOU!" She brandished her 'Long, Lasting Beauty' mascara in her right hand, the other holding the eyelash curler.

- - - - -

Once the literally 'forced' Allen, his self-employed beauty consultant and her sidekick ("It's not fair, Lavi! You're not supposed to take sides with a female!" cried Allen. "You're doing a great disservice to the entire male population! You'll be damned for the rest of your life!") went through the painstaking process of 'makeup, dress-up, touch-up' they found themselves loitering like lost Christmas souls in front of the cafeteria door.

"Oh, look! Kanda's right there!" cried Lenalee, pointing her beautiful nail-polished finger at Santa's very amused and smirking, yet surprisingly liberated elf otherwise known to the world as Yuu Kanda. He was…well, doing what any other obligated frustrated/ignorant/workaholic obsessed exorcist is doing – accusing people for looking silly and then sending them away without any candies! The sheer horror!

Allen shivered visibly. He looked at his costume, hesitant.

"Let's go." smiled Lenalee, feeling confident. "I'd like to know what Kanda thinks about our costumes. Since he's literally failing the entire community for their fashion sense…I hope we'll be the first to get his candies!"

"Forget it." Said Allen, still examining his sleeves. "You guys go ahead. I think I'll just…" He started backing a few steps away from the door.

"As if I'd let you walk away like that!"

"Yeah, like what she says!" added Lavi, though looking a little torn apart between 'supporting his same species' and getting scolded by a WOMAN brandishing a very scary looking black eyeliner.

"You have to!" said Allen, his voice close to screeching. "And you can't make me!"

"Oh really?" Lenalee's eyes started flashing menacingly.

"Yeah, yeah!"

"I'm not going to meet Kanda looking like this!" said Allen, exasperated.

"You have to and you will!"

"Yeah!"

"No, I will not!"

"Yes, you will!"

"Yeah…uh…hey," Lavi stuttered at the 2 glares he received. "Fine. I'll just shut up and watch you 2 bicker."

"You!" Allen pointed a finger at said man. "You're a traitor! A traitor to every straight male alive!"

"It's called preserving one's life, Allen, but I feel for you man!"

"Shut up, Lavi, and stop scaring him!" snapped Lenalee, stabbing a finger into Lavi's chest.

Allen took this opportunity to escape.

He turned his heels, hoping to get out this place alive. Unfortunately Lavi, with his uncanny bookman assumptions, stopped him.

"Oh come on, Moyashi-chan. Don't be such a spoilsport." goaded Lavi. "Unless I'm mistaken, I think you're afraid of seeing Kanda."

"AM NOT!" snapped Allen.

"YES YOU ARE!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"ENOUGH!" bellowed the almighty Lenalee. "The both of you, stop your preposterous squabble. "And you." She turned to Allen, still looking reasonably scary. "Are going in."

"There's no way I'm going in!" protested Allen, holding his hands up in utter defense. "You'll just have to kill me."

**32 minutes, 10 seconds later…**

"FORGET IT! I TOLD YOU I'M NOT GOING IN!" cried Allen, clinging to the door hinge for his dear life. Lavi and Lenalee were both trying to pull, tug, drag the poor kid away from the door and into the frying pan. Oops, I mean, cafeteria where Yuu Kanda currently resides in.

"No can do, Allen, or Lenalee will come after you with her evil blusher, lipstick, lip gloss, foundation, and other sorts of silly frills and thrills." Said Lavi.

"Excuse me? Stop making my makeup accessories sound bad!" fumed Lenalee. "I'll have you know that girls…"

"I'M NOT A GIRL!" cried Allen suddenly, horror written all over his pale face.

"Um, right, Allen. Thanks, but I think we all get the drift." Said Lenalee, scrutinizing the poor kid with her x-ray vision. "Although that can change…easily…"

"AHHHHHHH! You did not just say that!"

"Fine." Snapped Lenalee, folding her arms. "If you agree to come with us, I will stop trying to make you look like a girl…although I honestly don't see what's wrong with it."

"Promise?" asked Allen, not entirely convinced.

"On my honor as your beauty consultant."

"Okay, but I'm only going in for a minute or two." Allen released his grip on the door hinge that, by now, had nail marks and scratches on the polished surface. You would have thought that a cat made its territory. Wait, or it is a beaver? No matter…so carry on…

"This is it." said Allen, smoothening the creases on his costume. "I'm going in. Wish me luck."

Lavi nodded. "Good luck, Allen." He threw him the most sympathetic look on earth, apart from 'Santa' whose version includes 'No candies from his own elf.' Allen appreciated it for they both nodded in strange…understanding - except for his self-acclaimed beauty consultant.

Lenalee smacked them both on the head, looking positively annoyed.

"Stop being ridiculous, you're both acting like kids!"

"I am a kid!" cried Allen.

Lenalee ignored him. "Stop making _**going in **_sound like a death sentence!" she rebuked. "And Allen, _go in_ now. I mean it." Her eyes alighted, once again, like a vulture.

- - - - -

You do recall what's Kanda the Half-Elf's rule, don't you?

"What about me? I pass, right?" asked a fellow, looking nervous and excited. He was wearing…well, something I do not wish to describe.

Kanda shot him a disgusted and mildly amused look. "I'll give you credit for having the guts prancing around with _that. _But no, you fail."

He pointed a long, peppermint coated with strawberry cream, chocolate stick at a 'Notice' board beside him.

_This RULE is subjected to every individual at the Black Order (e.g. Finders, Exorcists, Generals, Supervisors, Scientists, and so on.)_

_I, Kanda Yu, deserve all the rights and authority NOT to grant you an indulgence in sugary treats. Therefore, if I say you look 'stupid/ridiculous or any other similar terms.' You DO NOT get any candies._

_Unfair? I don't care._

_Sue me._

The rejected fellow lumbered away sadly, muttering something about 'frosty', 'costly' and 'suffering injustice'.

"NEXT!" shouted Kanda, as he sneered at the beeline queue that had resulted as an outcome of his 'strict' assessment.

A certain white-haired exorcist walked up, dressed in…

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU WEARING, MOYASHI?!"


End file.
